So This Is Christmas

I'm probably one of the few people that isn't happy when it snows at Christmastime. I love snow and I love Christmas and I've always loved the combination of the two. But, they are no longer a perfect pair. Rob is salting the streets to make them nice for all the Christmas morning travelers. When I picture families driving safely from one place to another I can feel the small fuel of anger dying. We knew it was a possibility that he would get called in and all through the early morning hours we'd look outside and proclaim "no snow!" So I became attached to the idea that yes, he would be home and we would have the cozy Christmas morning that I envisioned. And then like a joy thief the call came and off he went. I felt the loss immensely. The Spirit of Christmas vanished from my entire being. I felt so alone. Eli was still sleeping, Emily is coming over later...I just wanted my little family. I felt the whisper to my heart in that moment, "you are not alone, you are never alone." I was jolted back into remembering who this day is for. Who every day is for. I'm imperfect in my walk with God. I lose perspective...but, only in small fleeting moments. God and I have an arrangement. He let's me throw my pity party. He let's me fall on the floor into a full blown toddler tantrum. And, then He gently nudges me back to Him where I belong. No, this Christmas is not ideal. Yes, I would change some things if I could. But, the reality is this human life is filled to the rim with imperfections and disappointment. But, He is perfect and He doesn't disappoint. He is always the same. Now and forever. Thank you, Lord, for teaching me to set my eyes upon you. Thank you for sending your son Jesus to the Earth. Happy Birthday, Jesus.

Being Mama

I've lived so many lives and not in a "past life" kind of way. But, the only one that truly matters is this present life. This one that contains this man and these children and this home and these families and friends. All that was on the road leading to this was good in its own right. I am better for it all. But, nothing will ever compare to being clothed in Mamahood. To living this life. The one that I struggled to attain. The one that drenched me in the goodness of God. He set my path straight...it had been so jagged, so fairweather. I was sent into the eye of the storm. I found Him there. He knew I'd come. He gave me signs to keep me hopeful. He showed up in ways only I could understand, each time I cried out to Him with my whole heart. He brought me to the breaking point...the one where I laid at His feet and shouted that I trusted His plan even if it meant I wouldn't get to be someone's Mama. It was an awful, yet freeing moment. He took me exactly where He wanted me. And then in my complete surrender, He blessed me. 3 1/2 yrs of lack and despair...but, also of trust and surrender. The most pivotal years of my life. This story isn't about getting what I wanted. This story is about leaning into God...even when it doesn't make sense. I love being Mama so much...for everything it is, but mainly for the incredible journey with God that led to this life now.